The computer that I am currently typing on used to belong to my dad. His password is ‘five girls’ and a little notification for ‘planning meeting in 1 hour’ comes up often.
February 14th, 2017 was 119 days ago.
I feel normal sometimes. I can still laugh.
I also still feel like I am waiting for him to come home.
Its hard to see business men now. With their ties and leather folders on their way to a meeting. That is exactly what my Dad should be doing today.
Seeing older couples out to dinner or walking or getting coffee sometimes makes me just cry. My parents were supposed to have that chance.
Damn those truck drivers.
I really do feel normal sometimes, but the pain is always a breath away. Now when I am out, I look around at other people and wonder about the pain in their life. Do others in this coffee shop have tears behind their eyes? I’m not the only person to go through a hard thing.
Also, pause for a moment. I fucking hate it when people say I am going through a hard time. My dad’s death isn’t a hard time to get through, or a trial or whatever dumb shit people reduce it down to. We are talking about the Man who raised me, who is engrained in my soul and has so much of my heart.
Anyway, people are idiots.
Actually you know what let’s chat about that for a sec. I feel like people of the world have all the the best intentions but are accidently morons. I had someone trying to relate to me at my father’s memorial service by comparing my Dad to their very much alive elderly father. I literally responded with “Yeah, it is hard losing a father. I don’t recommend it” and we stood together there awkwardly. Finally my guardian angel, Sophie, swooped in and asked if I need a drink of water. TRY WINE, SOPHIE, TRY WINE! Here’s another thought. When introducing yourself to my mom, don’t start with “oh, you are Paul Koehler’s widow?” Bold move, sir. She gracefully responded with, “Yes, I am Paul Koehler’s wife”. Lord, may I be blessed with more of my mother’s grace. I usually err more on the side of Asshole. I need Jesus.
It’s not people’s fault the hardest thing they have gone through is the hardest thing they have gone through. I need to be better at remembering that. So let’s talk about the hard things. Let’s create space for everyone to feel safe enough to talk about the hardest things. And let’s not compare our hard stuff, cause that’s dumb.
So here’s the thing. I want to write about food and travel again. I have a ton of saved drafts because I love to write and blog, but for some reason I have been unable to post them. I think it’s because I am nervous and scared that people will just think I have moved on. That is not the case, obviously. I am learning to live with the pain and grief. It’s new and I feel clumsy and like a crazy person sometimes. I take it with me everywhere. I will be taking it with me to Europe. And I want to be able to write about my travels and all the amazing food I will have. I will also continue to talk about my dad, because he is the coolest. I want write about all of the wonderful things…just mostly food. Because it is my favorite ever.
So that’s what’s happening. I am back, Internet. Watch out. Also shout out to my therapist for making me post this. Bless.